A professional coach doesn’t psychoanalyze their client and interpret their behavior as “resistant,” simple as that. The nuance here is that “resistance” happens, is more commonly caused inadvertently by the coach, and doesn’t always mean the client has a problem that needs fixing.
Just as “the customer is always right” you can assume that your client is always “right” and a reaction that you might interpret as “resistance” is caused by an unmet need that you are not addressing, not because they are wrong or afraid or blocked by “limiting beliefs” or “trauma.”
If you are getting push-back or “resistance” from your client, there is a disconnect between you and your client for one or more of the following reasons:
1. They feel negatively judged.
2. They don’t feel heard or understood.
3. Your response doesn’t address what they need in the moment.
4. They feel pushed to do something they don’t want to do.
5. They feel pushed to move farther/faster than is workable for them.
6. Their expectations about coaching are being violated.
7. They are not confident in the strategies/action plans they are expected to implement.
8. They have an internal barrier that is not being addressed.
Let’s explore these reasons and their possible solutions:
1. They feel negatively judged.
Despite your best efforts to be neutral and transparent your client can interpret any verbal or nonverbal response as critical. This might be a projection that you can’t do anything about and they will attribute negative judgment to you where none exists, but we first suggest assuming they are reacting to something real and looking in the mirror (literally and figuratively) to determine what that might be. Foundational to the coaching relationship is Trust and (emotional) Safety and if you normally are able to build trust and safety with your clients you might have a client who is not a fit for you and needs to be referred out. If the situation doesn’t change after looking in the mirror and addressing how you might be stimulating their reaction to you, address this issue directly by asking the client what they need to feel safe and re-design the coaching relationship to fit their needs.
2. They don’t feel heard or understood.
Are you a good listener? Really? Too often we are in our head thinking of our next coaching question or in our ego about our own reaction to them or in judgment about what we think they should do. If you are fully present with your client and responding to them congruently they will feel heard and understood. Responses congruent with their agenda and present experience will help your client feel heard and understood, not active or reflective listening, which can be good communication skills but are not effective coaching skills. As in #1 above, if you normally don’t have this problem with your clients and you take a good look in the mirror and attempt to better connect with your client and it doesn’t work, it is possible that you have a client who is not a good fit for you and needs to be referred out.
3. Your response doesn’t address what they need in the moment.
The coaching conversation is like a dance and if you and your client are out of step it won’t work. This can be quickly identified and remedied, but if it happens too often and interferes with the coaching relationship you must address the pattern, which will either be caused by you (see #2 above) or your client might not understand your coaching approach and is expecting/wanting something different (see #6 below).
Alternatively, a pattern of not being able to recognize and address what your client needs in the moment may simply indicate unskilled coaching that might improve with practice and experience. If this happens with a paying client after you’ve graduated from your training we strongly recommend contacting a mentor coach for guidance and support to improve your coaching skills. Asking for help and/or getting mentoring support happens too rarely as most coaches and people in general tend to blame external circumstances instead of honestly looking in the mirror to identify how they might be creating the problem. If you normally don’t have this problem with your clients and you take a good look in the mirror and attempt to better connect with your client and it doesn’t work, it is possible that you have a client who is not a good fit for you and needs to be referred out.
4. They feel pushed to do something they don’t want to do.
We can easily assume the client is reacting to your agenda and judgment about what they “should” do or your suggestion or advice, which don’t belong in the coaching relationship at all, so the fix is easy- simply stay in your lane as a coach and avoid non-coach-like behaviors.
Sometimes the client will put “shoulds” on themselves or internalize them from others, in which case your empowerment skills should effectively support them to trust themselves, find their own voice, and identify their boundaries and how to enforce them with others, and make choices from what they want and need rather than what would please others. More info about “shoulds” here
5. They feel pushed to move farther/faster than is workable for them.
As coaches we understand that our clients often prefer to stay in their comfort zone and assume that to be successful they need to stretch beyond the comfort zone and our job is to help them do so. Yes, we need to challenge our clients to move beyond their comfort zone but you’re pushing too hard if you get push back and resistance and need to adjust your approach. How? Breaking up tasks into baby steps, extending time lines, getting or building in additional support/help, and most of all, trusting that your client truly WANTS to accomplish their goal and helping them leverage their positive energy and desire to move forward towards their goal. Any forward movement is good and doesn’t need to be judged as not fast or far enough. Baby steps are a good thing in coaching.
6. Their expectations about coaching are being violated.
Few people understand the Empowerment Model of professional personal coaching (Life and Relationship Coaching) and assume the coach is an expert who will give them advice and direct them what to do to be successful. More info about the Empowerment approach to coaching here and the role of expertise here.
If a potential client expects you to provide expert guidance and you tell them “You have the answers inside you.” they most likely won’t hire you, and it’s understandable to avoid statements that turn off a potential client, which is fine, but effective client enrollment includes describing the process and benefits of coaching in a way that is clear and compelling, which many new coaches struggle with.
It is critically important to set up clear expectations about your coaching services upon enrollment and intake.
For setting up clear expectations during enrollment you should be able to describe your services using benefits oriented language that focuses on “what” you help your clients achieve, and not get into the weeds of academic discussions and disagreements about “how” you help your clients achieve those results. Your potential client wants results and needs to believe you can help them achieve those results, they don’t really care about the methodology or “how” coaching works. Equally important during enrollment is to avoid making promises or guarantees of results that you can’t really deliver as you don’t have control over your client’s behavior, choices or outcomes.
For setting up clear expectations during intake and on-boarding your new client, carefully review your Coaching Agreement with them, which should include clear descriptions or guidelines about the coaching relationship and service in which they are enrolled.
Most new clients will go along with the language in your Coaching Agreement and any who don’t are not a good fit for your coaching services and need to be immediately referred out and any pre-payment refunded.
Not using a formal, signed Coaching Agreement, not using a Coaching Agreement that spells out and clarifies what to expect from your coaching services, or accepting a client who doesn’t seem to fully understand or agree with the expectations spelled out in your Coaching Agreement WILL create problems for you.
Lastly, pay attention to and address your client’s language, attitudes, and behavior that are not aligned with a good, productive coaching relationship. It’s too easy to overlook these yellow and red flags to forge ahead and coach your client, but coaching won’t work if the client expects something different than what you provide.
7. They are not confident in the strategies/action plans they are expected to implement.
The coaching process starts with the client’s big picture, long term Vision for their desired future, then setting goals to accomplish that Vision, then strategizing action steps to accomplish those goals, then creating an action plan for implementation, then providing on-going support for implementation, forward movement, and dealing with obstacles. This is coaching in a nutshell.
Since coaching is a partnership/collaboration, if you’ve been empowering your client in all of the above and checking for their confidence and buy-in along the way, their excitement and positive energy will move them forward. If they are hesitant and not confident in moving forward they may have an internal obstacle (see #8 below) or revisiting all of the above steps in the coaching process may be necessary to identify what needs to be addressed and tweaked.
Assume that a good plan will work, and if it doesn’t work or the client is not confident in the plan, simply tweak and revise the plan. Always assume that a plan is a work in progress that will need to be adjusted along the way, and that the most inspired and creative strategies will present themselves along the way in response to challenges. Be sure to discuss and address expectations as expecting a plan to work perfectly is unrealistic and will result in paralyzing lack of confidence when it doesn’t.
Your client hired you for a big, important goal that scares them and they WILL fear failure and lack confidence at times. Don’t allow your client’s fear and lack of confidence to trigger your own sense of inadequacy and fear of failure. Your client needs YOU to be confident, inspire them, and help them build their confidence/positive energy and to be creative and take risks to move forward even if they have fears or don’t “feel” confident as long as the plan has been identified as the best path forward at the time. More info about how to inspire and be a positive influence for your client here.
8. They have an internal barrier that is not being addressed.
Everyone has emotional “stuff” that gets in the way of feeling good about themselves and prevents them from feeling 100% confident in moving forward towards their most important goals. We all have upper and lower limits and a comfort zone that hold us back from taking risks. We all have fears. We all have limiting beliefs. We all have internal obstacles that can interfere with our success.
Having internal obstacles is normal and does not by itself indicate a need for therapy or that something internal needs to be “fixed” or changed.
Most internal obstacles simply disappear with forward movement. Fear and most limiting beliefs are almost always anticipatory and diminish or disappear when the reality occurs and the fear doesn’t materialize. You can be shy, or anxious or depressed or scared and still take baby steps that move you forward, which typically overcomes the internal obstacle by not giving it power. The internal obstacle won’t disappear right away, but it doesn’t have to hold you back either. One perspective is that “Coaching is Therapeutic,” meaning that “success breeds success” and moving forward with the support and inspiration of the coaching relationship will diminish and dissipate internal obstacles that normally hold us back.
If you’ve completed a thorough intake and have screened your client for suitability for coaching, you can assume they are functional enough to choose to take productive action forward despite their fears and other internal obstacles. If you try your best and they are stuck because of their internal obstacles they most likely need referral to a higher level of specialized intervention. This is a “reverse diagnosis” approach- if your client appears to be functional enough to benefit from coaching, but doesn’t benefit from coaching, you can assume (“diagnose”) that they need therapy or other specialized service.
Do you really want to try to “fix” your client’s internal obstacles if they are not functional or motivated enough to take baby steps forward? I hope not as coaching is for functional people.
If your client is not benefiting from your services, referring them to a higher level of intervention is appropriate to address their needs and not a failure for them or you. The failure would be to ignore that coaching isn’t working and to continue meeting with your client and going in circles and getting nowhere, or risking serious negative consequences because they are not getting the help they really need.
More information about dealing with fears, limiting beliefs and other internal obstacles in coaching here and here.
More about how and when to refer to therapy here.
