“An ongoing challenge for my client is the struggle her mum is having accepting her sexuality. Obviously, she can’t change her mother’s attitude or judgement, but this difficult situation is a real emotional and mental struggle for my client which I sometimes find hard to support her with, as I don’t want to feed too much into or focus on the ‘problem’.”
To be clear, when we refer to “focusing on the problem” we are referring to zooming in on the problem (the immediate present, the small picture, what happens), the reasons and root causes of the problem (“Why” it happens), the negative consequences of the problem, the stories about the problem, all of which are not directly focused on the big picture, long term goals, successful life, relationship, etc. that the client wants and it is highly likely that doing so is simply not needed.
We prioritize moving our client towards their desired future and ignore everything unrelated to that and everything that might be in the way, unless it proves that we need to, which happens much less frequently than most people might think.
But that doesn’t mean we ignore a problem when our client brings it up, it means we focus on their desired future and help them convert the problem into a goal if it’s important enough to address and can’t be ignored or it’s not a good idea to ignore it. One of the suggestions we provide for doing so is to respond by asking “What’s your desired outcome in this situation?” It might be helpful to review the Top 7 Ways to solve problems in coaching in the lesson Coach Goals, Not Problems, of which this strategy is mentioned first.
Yep, it sucks when you don’t get what you need from your Mom. If it’s a big enough problem that the client wants to address it and add it to their coaching agenda, we do so, we don’t turn them away because the problem is unrelated to their current coaching agenda. We have a conversation about it and highlight that addressing this situation means that the other things you’ve been working on might be delayed and not addressed and ask them to make a conscious choice about how to use your services as their coach when the client’s agenda strays too far from the reason they hired you.
But, if you’re a relationship coach, being accepted and having a good relationship with their Mom and family is in your scope of practice and the client’s higher agenda for hiring you.
In this case, after you’ve confirmed that your client wants to focus on this for a bit and put the current agenda aside, and after you know their desired outcome, you help them strategize how to accomplish that outcome. There is no quick fix and no single magic strategy that will work, it’s likely to be an ongoing project that can be integrated into the other goals for coaching that you help your client with. We have a lot of relationship coaching paradigms and tools that are useful in this situation that we cover in our trainings.
Coaching Boundaries
Similarly, one of the most common relationship problems that comes out with our clients, in many, many forms, has to do with boundaries, which means, like in this situation, the client’s need isn’t being met and they are experiencing behaviors and events in a particular relationship that cross the line for them, are not OK with them.
This is a bit different and more urgent than simply not getting a need met, it is more about experiencing being treated unfairly or disrespectfully or aggressively, etc. It is really, really common as a relationship coach for your clients to bring up these kinds of situations and I would estimate 75% of our clients need our support to identify and assert their boundaries in their relationships.
So don’t wait for them to bring it up, a good, experienced relationship coach will ask questions, read between the lines, look out for the common red and yellow flags that indicate an area of support needed for our clients to have successful relationships. I’ve had many clients where this is the focus of our work for months, and it is time well spent because if they don’t effectively assert their needs and boundaries their relationships won’t work.
My experience tells me to suspect that the bigger part of the problem is most likely how her mother treats her- giving her a hard time and critically announcing her negative judgments, etc. than simply that her mother is not accepting her sexuality.
It’s largely HOW a problem shows up that makes it a problem. If the mother was nice and kind and loving but didn’t accept her politics or religion or sexuality, etc, it would be a very different situation and probably not a problem that needs to be solved. I suspect the urgency here is about how her boundaries are being crossed by her mother’s behavior towards her, a much bigger and more urgent problem than simply not having a part of her accepted.
Need for Acceptance vs. Accepting Differences
Either way, the fix is the same. As you know, we can’t control Mom and have to assume that she may NEVER be able to accept your client’s sexuality, but your client needs to learn strategies for asserting her boundaries and getting her needs met in all her relationships, including this one.
The reality is that everything evolves and changes over time, and it is likely that her Mom will too, so while we do need to address the current reality, it is also useful to know that this too shall pass, somehow, sometime, in some way, and won’t be the same forever.
The fix becomes easier if your client doesn’t try to change her mother’s judgments about her sexuality, but focuses on what’s needed to have a good relationship and good communication even with this difference of opinion between them- whether it’s about religion, politics, life/career choice, parenting, you name it, you CAN have a great relationship AND have and accept your differences with each other.
Your client is more likely to be happy with their outcome by letting go of needing her mother to accept her sexuality and the control/power struggle that might create, and focus on what’s needed to have a functional/good relationship with her mother.
